Understanding feelings: what can I do with anger, sadness or disappointment?

A friend cancels at short notice. You had been looking forward to the evening. At first, you want to write: “Of course, I do not matter to you.” Then you notice that alongside anger, there is disappointment.

This fictional example shows how several feelings can belong to one situation. A quick response is understandable. There can still be room for a decision between the first impulse and the message.

Naming a feeling without deciding the whole story

“I am angry” describes something different from “You deliberately hurt me”. The first sentence names your experience. The second also claims something about another person's intention.

For the person in our example, a more precise description might be: “I am disappointed because the evening together mattered to me. I do not yet know why the cancellation came so late.”

The feeling does not have to become smaller. First, it becomes more precisely described. Naming it is a reflection idea here, not a diagnosis of what a feeling supposedly always means.

Acceptance does not mean putting up with everything

You can recognise sadness or anger and still decide how to act. Allowing a feeling does not require insulting someone or accepting a hurtful situation without change.

Research by Ford and colleagues combined questionnaire, laboratory, diary and longitudinal data. Habitual acceptance of thoughts and feelings was associated with more favourable psychological health measures. Acceptance was not randomly assigned as a treatment, so the findings do not establish a clear causal relationship. [1]

The paper also distinguished accepting internal experiences from accepting external situations. [1] In our example, both remain possible: recognising disappointment and discussing reliability in the friendship.

There is no single correct strategy

Emotion regulation means influencing the course or expression of feelings. A meta-analysis by Webb and colleagues examined 306 experimental comparisons of strategies. Results varied with the approach and conditions; changing appraisals of situations showed an average benefit, among other findings. [2]

These largely experimental findings are not a personal instruction manual. They do not establish that distraction is always bad or reappraisal always good. A brief interruption, a conversation and changing the actual situation can serve different purposes.

A more specific question is: “What do I want to achieve in this situation, and which response fits?”

Four questions before replying

For the person in our example, a brief note could look like:

• What happened? “My friend cancelled tonight.”

• What do I feel? “Anger, disappointment and some loneliness.”

• What interpretation am I adding? “I think I do not matter to them.”

• How do I want to act? “Ask what happened and explain that reliability matters to me.”

The message might become: “I am disappointed because I was looking forward to tonight. What happened? Can we arrange another time?”

This original scene illustrates one possibility, not the ideal answer for every relationship. Perhaps the person wants to write later. Perhaps a firmer boundary is needed because cancellations happen frequently.

A different perspective still needs to be honest

“They definitely have a good reason” would also be a guess. A more balanced appraisal could be: “I do not know the reason yet.”

Reappraisal does not have to excuse behaviour or manufacture certainty. It can mean leaving a premature conclusion open until more information is available.

Actual mistreatment or violence also calls for protection and support. The task is then not simply to view the situation more positively.

When feelings are difficult to bear

Perhaps you sometimes struggle to name what you feel. Perhaps everything arrives at once. A first step can then be smaller: postponing a reply, asking someone you trust to talk or exploring the situation with a professional.

Professional support is appropriate if intense or persistent emotions substantially interfere with daily life or you repeatedly lose control over your actions. One everyday scene cannot establish a mental health diagnosis.

The person whose friend cancelled does not have to end up cheerful. A meaningful outcome might be: “I am still disappointed, and I replied in a way that mattered to me.”

This article provides information and does not replace individual assessment or therapy.

Sources and further reading

[1] Ford, B. Q., Lam, P., John, O. P., & Mauss, I. B. (2018). The psychological health benefits of accepting negative emotions and thoughts: Laboratory, diary, and longitudinal evidence. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115, 1075–1092. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000157

[2] Webb, T. L., Miles, E., & Sheeran, P. (2012). Dealing with feeling: a meta-analysis of the effectiveness of strategies derived from the process model of emotion regulation. Psychological Bulletin, 138, 775–808. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0027600

Sources checked on 14 October 2026.