Setting boundaries: saying no without constantly justifying yourself

A friend asks whether you can help with a move at the weekend. You have had a demanding week and need some free time. Still, you are already typing: “Of course, no problem.” Before sending it, you notice your reluctance.

In this fictional example, two wishes exist at once: being there for a friend and respecting your own limits. Saying no does not have to mean that the relationship does not matter. It can communicate what you are currently able to offer.

What assertiveness means here

Assertiveness describes clearly expressing your wishes and limits while considering other people's rights. Resources from Australia's Centre for Clinical Interventions distinguish it from passive and aggressive communication. [1]

In our example, this could mean: “I cannot help carry things this weekend.” Whether the person also wants to explain is a matter of circumstances, the relationship and personal choice.

A boundary can be specific: “Not today”, “For one hour” or “I can take on this task but not the other one”. The wording should reflect the actual concern.

Why a long justification is not always necessary

The person might start explaining every hour of the weekend. Perhaps they want to prove that their no is allowed. Another option is to write a brief answer they consider honest and appropriate.

The CCI material on saying no includes clear, concise statements and calmly repeating an answer. [1] This does not create an obligation to speak without explanations. A brief reason can be useful in some relationships.

Our example might continue: “I need time to recover this weekend and will not come to the move. I hope it all goes well.” An alternative offer should only be added if the person actually wants to make it.

What research shows

A preregistered randomised study by Hagberg and colleagues in 2023 examined an eight-week internet-based CBT programme involving 210 adults. Guided and unguided participation improved self-reported adaptive assertiveness compared with a waitlist. [2]

This is a finding about a complete programme. A waitlist controls attention and expectations less well than another active treatment, and the outcomes relied on self-report. The study does not prove that a particular no-sentence improves every relationship.

The broader review by Speed and colleagues also describes assertiveness training as a clinical approach, but it is not a current systematic meta-analysis. [3] The power of one phrase should therefore not be confused with evidence for programmes lasting several weeks.

Preparing a no in a manageable situation

You could choose an everyday request where declining does not put you in danger. These questions are an original reflection example:

• What exactly am I being asked to do?

• What can and do I actually want to offer?

• What brief sentence describes my decision?

• What response am I afraid of?

• What really happened after the conversation?

One possible answer is: “I can look at the draft tomorrow; I cannot manage it today.” Afterwards, you could record whether the other person asked a question, agreed or became annoyed. Observations and guesses can remain separate.

Feeling uncomfortable afterwards does not automatically mean the boundary was wrong. Equally, saying no does not automatically make every decision appropriate. Agreements, responsibilities and consideration still belong in the conversation.

Boundaries also depend on power and safety

A conversation with a friend differs from one in an exploitative workplace or an abusive relationship. When there is a risk of violence or serious consequences, protection takes priority over a communication exercise.

The question is then not only: “How can I speak more clearly?” It may be: “What support, advice or safe options do I need?” Good wording cannot control someone else's behaviour.

One next step without a demand for perfection

The person in the moving example could shorten the message once and ask: “Is it clear, honest and respectful?” The friend is then allowed to have their own reaction.

If difficulties with boundaries regularly overwhelm you, professional advice or therapy can offer space to explore the situation and appropriate options.

This article provides information and does not replace individual advice or therapy.

Sources and further reading

[1] Centre for Clinical Interventions, Department of Health, Western Australia. Assert Yourself! Particularly modules 1 and 6. https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

[2] Hagberg, T., et al. (2023). Efficacy of transdiagnostic cognitive-behavioral therapy for assertiveness: A randomized controlled trial. Internet Interventions, 32, 100629. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.invent.2023.100629

[3] Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2018). Assertiveness Training: A Forgotten Evidence-Based Treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25, e12216. Narrative review. https://doi.org/10.1111/cpsp.12216

Sources checked on 14 October 2026.